GUNS “R” US

“Guns don’t kill people, people do”

- The National Rifle Association 

  (NRA), USA                      

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I heard my grandfather once went into ‘the bush’ to see our village lands; I heard on arrival he was chased by some unscrupulous men with silver machetes and black guns – they were illegally selling our village lands to other unscrupulous men. God bless the old man, he was still agile enough at 85 to outrun younger men in their prime, men in their 40s. Papa has, however, passed away now; it was his time, no bullets were involved.

My grandfather’s name was Young and Grandpa Young also had a gun. It wasn’t anything too fancy, just a typical side-by-side, double-barreled shotgun with Anson & Deeley boxlock action, he polished it regularly and used it to announce the New Year; every year. Papa loved his gun, it was more of what my buddies in India would call a Lunali. Mr. Young never shot nobody.

I hear today of people who actually shoot other people and I don’t mean the usual police&thief; I hear herdsmen now carry guns! I know right, herdsmen, guns?! If I remember correctly, and I do, cattle-men used to roll with the shepherd’s staff and not Kalashnikovs, when did they make the switch from wood to iron, who was their arms dealer and who is behind the upgrade? I am honestly curious. I hear the guns are for ‘protecting’ their cattle and my question is, from who, peasant farmers!? If yes then perhaps we need to more publicly promote guns and hasten the proliferation of small arms and lights weapons (aka SALW) so that even the farmers can protect themselves from aggressive grass – naah, the cattle-gunmen need a better excuse.

Guns may be cheap; as low as $300, but bullets are darn expensive; a pack can cost $500, so my next question is, who keeps restocking ammo for these guys? Who the heck deals bullets for cattle-men?! We need to trace the source of the funds, the guns and the bullets. I am certain that there is no charity openly giving out weapons for free. Now, the slaughter currently only appears to be one sided and as such, people are yet to consider the possibility of another industrious arms-dealer marketing modern metal to farmers, who at this point may be willing to trade dull machetes for sharp bullets. If the famers trade by this barter, then the blood bath is only just beginning – hasta la vista buen senor.

People tend to blame religion for a lot of the bloodshed going on today but the truth is that human beings have always been blood thirsty, even before we started worshipping there were wars and pogroms, ketchup was spilled all across the earth but we ought to have become more civilized by now. I understand that there might still be an itch to let loose and spill more ketchup, even I myself am not free from this itch – let me explain. I recently passed out but had no idea that my hand was still wide awake. By the time I came through my trigger finger had gone to work, there were no survivors! It appeared I had slept over my ‘Chicago Typewriter’ with my killer finger on delete, needless to say, all I could do was weep. Google Chicago Typewriter, pun intended.

“Guns don’t kill people, people do”

- NRA

“Yea but an Uzi clip and some AK-47s sure make it easier”

- HRevary

My mind was roaming round this whole militarized nomad situation and the clashes with local farmers when something hit me – I actually physically got assaulted by a brick. Why is it that the clashes between Fulani herdsmen and farmers seem to have escalated in the recent past? What, beyond the proliferation of SALW, could be the cause of the increase in physical disagreements? What is the underlying problem? That brick really did hit my head hard because it knocked a thought in: Could it be global warming?

One of the purported effects of global warming on this side of the world has been irregular rainfall. This has led to increased desertification and less vegetation in places deeper inland, places like Northern Nigeria. This could possibly explain why herdsmen seem to be migrating further south in search of greener pastures for their pets and why they and their pets have been running into more farmers. This is just a thought knocked in by a bullet, sorry, I mean brick.

Let me also use this opportunity to state that the current ‘Grazing Bill’ at the Nigerian National Assembly is, in my opinion, antithetical to our development. Firstly, nomadic shepherding is far behind the times in which we live, ranching and other variations are the preferable method of growing today’s meat. Furthermore, if a system of ranching were promoted instead of encouraging wild men and animals to be doing wakajugbe upandan, several other value chains would organically grow alongside the meat chain. The need for animal feed for instance would skyrocket; silage, soilage and what not, industries would bloom. Again, I am not a proponent of the ‘Grass Bill’ that seeks to carve out land that belongs to one people and give it to another people for free to run a private business. Cow meat no free for market o!

Well, all being said and done, welcome to my shop, Guns “R” Us, I am certain we have just what you’re looking for – even the black market stuff. We have PKMs, M1911s, MP5s, FALs, G3s, AR15s, RPG-7s and even Revolvers for the kids...

 “No more Mr nice guy! *kpa, kpa*”

- The Kid With The Gun

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Welcome to the Wild Wild West bi@₸₵ђ€$!

The End.

Disclaimer: This piece has nothing to do with a popular toys store.